Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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