Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
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