We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
