The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
