I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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