just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
