I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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