What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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