Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
