My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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