when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
