dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
