You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
