I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
