I accidentally burped into my bong.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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