Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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