I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
