i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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