he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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