Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
