So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
