The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
