can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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