I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
