How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I stole a fireplace last night.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
