My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
