Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My penis needs a shock collar
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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