at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
