if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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