she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
