i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
