I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
