My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
