The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
