Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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