i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
