You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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