I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
