when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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