Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
People in love make me want to vomit
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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