I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
