i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
