hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
