no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
