I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
