I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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