Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
