so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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