Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
