Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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