So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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