I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
