I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
