The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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