If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
