I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
