I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
